I just measured myself. The scales mean nothing to me, but when the jeans start to pinch and the measuring tape reads a number higher than before, I know its time to do something.
Right now I'm aware of every single pound. I can feel it hanging from my chest, gathering at my waist, bulging, excessive. I hate putting on any weight. Ive maintained the same weight since I was 15 with only a few hiccups and every time I've got it back on track. But each time I've felt in control. Now I do not.
As I've got older I've found it harder and harder. The battle between the need to eat and the fear of putting on weight is constant.
Its no surprise when the world is so confusing. We are constantly told people are too skinny or too fat. We are told to be normal and end up going too far with the treats. Or told to lose weight and end up too dangerously skinny. And the only company telling us its ok to be normal is still telling us that in order to be normal we need to slather ourself in moisturiser and all kinds of special products.
There are a million and one products in my cupboard that I never use but feel safer merely by their presence! Throw away untouched anti wrinkle eye cream? No way! I might get wrinkles if I do!
Sometimes I just want to be me. Just plain old me dressed to suit myself, free of make up. But I do that and go out feeling proud only to end up feeling invisible. Or even worse, like everyone is staring at me at for being too ugly. So I go the other way and get dressed up only to feel cheap.
Where is the middle ground? As women, are we ever allowed to just relax?!
A friend made a comment the other day about how strange it is that mens magazines promise men beautiful women at their demand, whereas womens magazines tell us how to be beautiful for men and how to get them.
This is a battle us women are constantly going to be fighting. Yet it seems we are fighting against ourselves as we keep on buying the products and fuelling the companies that told us we needed them in the first place. Unless we stop buying they wont stop selling. But we wont do that just incase their stories do come true and we become grotesquely ugly and unloveable by not using anti wrinkle, toning, brightening miracle cream!
I think I need cake right now!