I've not been on here in a while. For somebody who likes to call myself a writer I have an amazing ability to avoid writing!
I'm on here because I've just given up Facebook and I felt a need to write about where I am right now, mostly just to help myself to understand my mind.
You may wonder what Facebook has to do with my mind?! I think I was becoming addicted! Everytime I was bored I'd check Facebook and waste time doing stupid pointless things on there instead of doing all the things I used to love to do such as reading or walking. However things got really bad when I actually found myself thinking about what I was gonna put in that addictive little status box...thinking about yourself in third person randomly in the day is surely not a good sign!
As for where I am...I have no idea. I am lost!
I am just about to begin the final year of my degree and I feel so much pressure to know what I want to do with my future. I feel like I cant even decide on little things in the here and now without making that huge decision, i.e I dont want to waste time doing a dissertation project on something that I'm not going to do in the future! Its just so scary.
I've started to take these fears out on food again. I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself that just ends with me thinking 'well you need to eat' after spending the day avoiding food and eating way too much. I know its bad yet I feel like its not really happening. I feel the strangest detachment from myself, like Im hiding from all of the responsibilities I have at the moment.
I feel like I need to go home and let somebody else be responsible for worrying about the bills and the rent and cleaning the house, keeping fit, studying, socialising, sleeping, living all squeezed into the hours between the two jobs I have to maintain to be able to afford to do those things. I need to work to pay for my life but doing so means I just dont have the time and energy to do that. Only I cant go home and let somebody be responsible for me. Sometimes I feel so proud that I have achieved so much by myself, but right now I just envy everybody who has their parents pushing them; those who go home for summer and live like spoilt teenagers again.
My uncle was a half hour drive from me last week and didnt even pop by. Right now with an uncertain future and no family behind me I dont know who I'm doing this for and so it seems pointless to do it.
It might not seem like it right now but Im an optimistic person. I'm looking for something to keep me moving forward. I'm considering charity PR and so need to find a placement and also some other charity work. Everybody needs to find a reason to get out of bed each morning and I will.
And until then Facebook is no longer gonna be my hiding place. I reckon coming on here and writing nonsense about my progress is a bigger step in the right direction than comparing my taste in music with somebody I've not seen in 5 years and probably never will in the real world again.
Goodbye Facecrack!