kaytey

I just measured myself. The scales mean nothing to me, but when the jeans start to pinch and the measuring tape reads a number higher than before, I know its time to do something.
Right now I'm aware of every single pound. I can feel it hanging from my chest, gathering at my waist, bulging, excessive. I hate putting on any weight. Ive maintained the same weight since I was 15 with only a few hiccups and every time I've got it back on track. But each time I've felt in control. Now I do not.
As I've got older I've found it harder and harder. The battle between the need to eat and the fear of putting on weight is constant.
Its no surprise when the world is so confusing. We are constantly told people are too skinny or too fat. We are told to be normal and end up going too far with the treats. Or told to lose weight and end up too dangerously skinny. And the only company telling us its ok to be normal is still telling us that in order to be normal we need to slather ourself in moisturiser and all kinds of special products.
There are a million and one products in my cupboard that I never use but feel safer merely by their presence! Throw away untouched anti wrinkle eye cream? No way! I might get wrinkles if I do!
Sometimes I just want to be me. Just plain old me dressed to suit myself, free of make up. But I do that and go out feeling proud only to end up feeling invisible. Or even worse, like everyone is staring at me at for being too ugly. So I go the other way and get dressed up only to feel cheap.
Where is the middle ground? As women, are we ever allowed to just relax?!
A friend made a comment the other day about how strange it is that mens magazines promise men beautiful women at their demand, whereas womens magazines tell us how to be beautiful for men and how to get them.
This is a battle us women are constantly going to be fighting. Yet it seems we are fighting against ourselves as we keep on buying the products and fuelling the companies that told us we needed them in the first place. Unless we stop buying they wont stop selling. But we wont do that just incase their stories do come true and we become grotesquely ugly and unloveable by not using anti wrinkle, toning, brightening miracle cream!
I think I need cake right now!

I've not been on here in a while. For somebody who likes to call myself a writer I have an amazing ability to avoid writing!
I'm on here because I've just given up Facebook and I felt a need to write about where I am right now, mostly just to help myself to understand my mind.
You may wonder what Facebook has to do with my mind?! I think I was becoming addicted! Everytime I was bored I'd check Facebook and waste time doing stupid pointless things on there instead of doing all the things I used to love to do such as reading or walking. However things got really bad when I actually found myself thinking about what I was gonna put in that addictive little status box...thinking about yourself in third person randomly in the day is surely not a good sign!
As for where I am...I have no idea. I am lost!
I am just about to begin the final year of my degree and I feel so much pressure to know what I want to do with my future. I feel like I cant even decide on little things in the here and now without making that huge decision, i.e I dont want to waste time doing a dissertation project on something that I'm not going to do in the future! Its just so scary.
I've started to take these fears out on food again. I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself that just ends with me thinking 'well you need to eat' after spending the day avoiding food and eating way too much. I know its bad yet I feel like its not really happening. I feel the strangest detachment from myself, like Im hiding from all of the responsibilities I have at the moment.
I feel like I need to go home and let somebody else be responsible for worrying about the bills and the rent and cleaning the house, keeping fit, studying, socialising, sleeping, living all squeezed into the hours between the two jobs I have to maintain to be able to afford to do those things. I need to work to pay for my life but doing so means I just dont have the time and energy to do that. Only I cant go home and let somebody be responsible for me. Sometimes I feel so proud that I have achieved so much by myself, but right now I just envy everybody who has their parents pushing them; those who go home for summer and live like spoilt teenagers again.
My uncle was a half hour drive from me last week and didnt even pop by. Right now with an uncertain future and no family behind me I dont know who I'm doing this for and so it seems pointless to do it.
It might not seem like it right now but Im an optimistic person. I'm looking for something to keep me moving forward. I'm considering charity PR and so need to find a placement and also some other charity work. Everybody needs to find a reason to get out of bed each morning and I will.
And until then Facebook is no longer gonna be my hiding place. I reckon coming on here and writing nonsense about my progress is a bigger step in the right direction than comparing my taste in music with somebody I've not seen in 5 years and probably never will in the real world again.
Goodbye Facecrack!